Things Non-Stoners Say To Stoners; Stoner Guide

Smoking with a newbie can be really fun. They get super stoned, super fast and usually can be pretty amusing. Unfortunately (and much like alcohol), some people just smoke too much and can’t handle it, turning them in to an awfully annoying nuisance to your normally chill smoke session. Thankfully, most of us have been in this position and this list will prepare you for the absolute worst case scenario that could possibly happen when you’re smoking with a noob.

“I can’t be high around my roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend/family.”

Listen… Handle your shit. Learn to function in a social setting while you’re high or you shouldn’t be smoking. If you can’t share the fact that you smoke with those around you, it’s extremely important to act normal (or just always act high) and then there will be no questions as to your higher state of mind. Don’t let anyone try to tell you that they can’t be high around a significant other. That’s grounds for dumping (if they don’t like the fact that you like getting high, then they probably don’t like the real you! Just saying!)

“I can’t smoke! I have to drive/work!”

Chill. You’ll be okay. Relax and don’t forget to breathe. Weed doesn’t make many people freak out and if you think that you’re going to, you just need to remember that everything happens for a reason and if you freak out, you’re only going to make things worse. Although weed panic attacks are few and far between, they do happen to some people. But you gotta work through it… There’s not really a whole lot of reasons to not be stoned, am I right?

“I feel like it makes me too awkward!”

Weed relaxes barriers and allows people to bond over passing a blunt back and forth! It’s important to just chill, let the weed open your mind to making new friends, new connections. If you think that you’re awkward, you’re going to be awkward. Remember, everyone was a newbie at some point in their life!

“I cough too much!”

Everybody coughs sometimes. You’re smoking. It’s bound to irritate your throat a bit. If you think that smoking is too much, you can try edibles, dabs, or tinctures in place of regular flower. Coughing doesn’t have to happen and therefore isn’t really an excuse not to smoke!

“I’ll smell!”

… Really? With the invention of cologne, perfume, and the wondrous Febreze, there’s absolutely no way anyone will be able to detect the marijuana scent on you. And if you’re worried about smelling, don’t smoke in enclosed spaces. Instead, head for the spots that are in nature! Blow the smoke downwind and wash your hands after you’re done. Cannabis smoke doesn’t linger like the smell of cigarettes so if you’re careful enough, you’ll never smell like weed.

“I can French inhale!”

If you’ve only been smoking for a short amount of time, you probably can’t French inhale. Some people can, don’t get me wrong. But some seem to think that they can master the smoke tricks right away. In reality, they usually end up exhaling a bunch of smoke that they didn’t even inhale and sort of waste the hit. It’s best to leave the smoke tricks to the pros, until you learn how to do them with your own bud (it’s just kind of a stoner etiquette thing… Don’t waste your friend’s weed!).

“I’m just going to fall asleep.”

Well then drink some coffee! Have a Redbull! Do something to get up off your butt and get active. Successful stoners are the only way that we can really get rid of the lazy pothead stereotype, something that shouldn’t even be a thought in people’s minds anymore. Considering there are tons of people working all different careers that smoke copious amounts of weed, chances are you’re not going to fall asleep. And if you do, maybe you should pass on that last hit next time. Be strong, new stoners!

“I don’t know how to light it!”

I’ve definitely had some newbies ask me to light the bong for them. Unfortunately for them, the only way you learn is by doing it yourself. No, no one wants to light the bowl for you. Or the joint. Or the blunt. If you’re unsure of how to light weed paraphernalia, get on YouTube and study that shit!

“Marijuana smells bad.”

Then don’t smoke it. Stoners love the smell of weed and freshly ground bud is better than coffee, pancakes, or bacon (Ok… Maybe not bacon). But weed doesn’t smell bad and if you think it does, don’t smoke it. It’s a flower and a beautiful smelling one at that!

“I don’t like the feeling I get when I smoke.”

So you don’t like relaxing? Chilling out? Slowing everything down? Or maybe you like taking regular medicine for your headaches instead? Everyone feels different on weed but then again, everyone requires a different strain. If you’re not getting the feeling you like from the weed, you need to get more weed. Novices tend to let a single bad weed experience ruin the rest of their weed smoking career. Don’t! There’s so many strains, you just need to find the best one for you!